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Marriage: The art of manipulating conflict

on March 1, 2012

 

If you really want a dispute free relationship that goes so smooth and with complete understanding and zero negotiation, marry at the age of 60. I am not joking; I only think that 60 would be the most suitable age where you have had enough experiences from life and most probably have come up with the conclusion that nothing is worth fighting. At 60, if you’re still alive, you would have been mature enough to know that it is normal to be different and that there would be no serious problem if each person lived up to his concepts and individual perspectives. At 60, if you’re still alive hopefully, you would have had enough diseases and the least power to negotiate or discuss life issues because you could simply apprehend that life is too short.

You cannot be at the age of 60 while you’re in your twenties. Sounds logic, isn’t it? But it also sounds tragic. In your twenties, you live the power; you’re powerful in your health, strict in your decisions, firm in your opinions and inflexible in your thoughts.  In your twenties, you’re silly enough to think you can mould the world according to your views and convictions.

Without getting into a real subtle relationship, imagine that while you’re at your utmost power got stuck into a relationship with somebody else gauging same power levels as you do, maybe more or less. It is so normal that you both shall end up blowing yourselves up!

Alternatively, if you are already married, leave the imagination alone and let’s break up marriage into phases:

  1. Self entertaining xylophone phase:

 If you watch Chef Rachel Ray program, you will find that thanks to her the abbreviation (EVOO) was included in the Oxford dictionary. If EVOO stands for extra virgin olive oil, I would love to assume and add that Self Entertaining Xylophone stand for SEX! Yes, I mean the sexual relation. Here allow me to elaborate and prolong the talk, yet if you think I am going to bring you any excitement or amusement of the same kind you might watch on pornographic sites, I would love you to get out of here!

The reason why I called it ‘self entertaining xylophone phase’ and not the ‘sex phase’ is that the great focus partners have on having this relationship done and succeed. They try to explore and discover what the relation means to them, how they act towards it, and most importantly how they interact. They are like playing on a xylophone and trying to get the best tune out of it.

It is that relation that gets them close physically the same that gets them reconciliated and emotionally near. Sometimes, discussions end in a full relation, others a kiss and hug would do. It is all about sex.

  1. Discussion, nagging and fighting phase:

When partners discover life is not all about the entertaining xylophone, discussions start to take real turns and leaps; that is clear-cut ends and resolutions other than the kids and hug stuff. And now, time for some nagging and fighting starts. This is so healthy and natural. It stems from our natural differences, trials to compromise, attempts to control and love to live happily ever after.

The end of this phase comes usually with compromise on most of the issues and emotional halt on the unresolved issues that keep ending in fighting.

  1. Marital sudden silence or death:

It is the most hated ‘let it go’ phase when you are silent and cannot speak up the storm in your inside; simply because you know your partner won’t tolerate you and you won’t pass it either. So, you prefer to go silent! It is the phase of meditation on the years you have spent together; trying to assess ‘are you the perfect couple?’ ‘Does your marriage mean something other than the entertaining sounds of xylophone?’ And, on more crucial levels ‘do you love each other?’

  1. Marital sudden resurrection:

It is this discussion that you have to take to breathe life again into your marriage or will keep postponing while your marriage is lying in grave. It is a life decision that needs reason and wisdom. It is not the ‘let go’ things, it is that ‘I am satisfied with our differences and can deal with life and personality hardships’. It needs planning, strategies and techniques because maybe at your first next fight, you would lose all your resurrection resolutions. Let me help you out with some as well as remind myself of them:

  1. Remember the good moments with your partner
  2. When you recollect a negative aspect of his personality, visualize the negative aspects of yours
  3. Try to be the good, forgiving person until the end
  4. Don’t prolong silent moments after disputes
  5. Never think as ‘I’, always replace it with ‘we’
  6. Put happiness as a task for yourself to work out, not a result of your partner’s acts
  7. Have time for your own amusement and self-esteem

You can reach this by the age of 60 if you wish, but then, you will have time only to take your medications if you are hopefully not lying in grave.

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