Express it 2 live it

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Reflections on death: I just want it to come on time

on June 9, 2012

“I looked through my thick glasses to that big glass sliding to the edge of my nose, it had a liquid, its color lies somewhere between the orange and red. What could that be? I tasted it, it was sweet, its flavor lies somewhere between orange and mango! Is it a cocktail? I can no longer remember the sharp difference between things! I looked again through those big glasses which have never been part of my youthful lie. I narrowed my eyes to stare at the cup, adding wrinkles to the wrinkles already there, maybe I would figure the taste with a sharper look?! Oh God. If I cannot determine what it is, so I don’t want it. ‘Thank you’ I said to the hostess who insisted on me trying to finish that weird thing claiming it is an orange juice. Ok, ‘sorry, I don’t want it, I have diabetes and cannot drink too sweet juices’. I sounded rude, I know, but couldn’t actually be more decent. I looked to the wrinkles engraved on my hands … Ah my youthful days”

This is what occurred to me when I noticed my grandmother’s health and mental status deteriorating with age. I will be like that! I won’t look beautiful, I won’t even know the taste or color which I am currently teaching my kiddos as simple facts of life. Ok, I would sacrifice beauty but I cannot let go of health. I know it is not optional and that it the natural going of life, but I cannot let go of health. I cannot wait for someone to lean against to go to the bathroom. I know quite much people like that. I am afraid of old age. I cannot even count on the people around me to help me then. Not to be sadistic, but I don’t trust that these people will want me while I am such a rude nagging person, not to mention ugly!

Ok, I wish (imagining I am in at a magical timing where all wishes come true), I wish I won’t grow old to see me needing anyone. I wish I will live as long as my health lives and will die as soon as my health fades away. Is it around the thirties? Or forties? Let’s say I wish to live until I am 39 no more.

That’s ridiculous! Because diseases do not knock on the door to see if you are age appropriate or not.

Seeing my mom growing old with me changed my perspective though. I appreciate her efforts more. I feel her more, given I turned a mother too. Oh, I wish at times I would have shown more appreciation to her before. I am grateful that God kept her for me till this point. And, I wish that I will live until my kids feel the same towards me. I wish I live until I show them all the love and sacrifice I can give to them.

So, now I have two contradicting wishes! Isn’t it perplexing?! Or, more profoundly, isn’t it wisdom from God that He left us not knowing when, why or how we pass away? Isn’t it intelligence from Al Mighty that He asked us not to wish for death? Because He makes our lives for a reason. That path we walk has a meaning, its start and end have messages. We know nothing about death and I don’t think we know much about life either. We won’t ever find clear cut results to why we are living this moment and dead the next! All what we can is show love and respect to live peacefully and above all make meanings of each moment we live so that it might count when we die.


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